Something to bear in mind from the word go is that the anonymity of the Internet makes it an ideal place to come up with an excuse, such as “I just hadn’t got round to taking my profile offline yet”. It can serve as a convenient way of nipping things in the bud. PARSHIP member Tricia (45), who is a project manager, is gradually coming to the conclusion that she is often faced with well-meaning white lies. Even though her photo does her justice, and she is not reluctant about releasing it, she has found on several occasions that “the man in question tells me he has just met a woman he wants to spend his life with. The answers are so similar that I find I just can’t take them seriously.”
Is it Fate?
If someone you approach cites another man or woman, then that seems pretty conclusive. You can blame Fate. Men in particular, it seems - or so the PARSHIP singles coaches say - are often reluctant to admit to their feelings, perhaps in a mistaken effort to soften the blow for the woman getting the brush-off. But for women and men alike, a rejection can lead to self-doubt … Was there something the matter with my photos? Do I live in the wrong part of the country? What’s wrong with me? What Tricia thinks is that: “If you’re going to lie, then at least use a bit of imagination!”
Fear of rejection
It could be that anxiety is causing Tricia’s matches to resort to possibly lame excuses, especially if the communication has gone beyond initial contact. You might find that your exchange of emails has gone brilliantly. You might even have had a phone conversation that gave you butterflies in your stomach - but actually meeting someone face to face is another matter. What if the date doesn’t live up to expectations? What if there’s no chemistry? What if you don’t find each other attractive or you don’t get on? Or what if you even think that the other person is ‘too good for you’? Some people prefer to strike first with a rejection rather than risk being rejection.
When one door closes …
Excuses can help people feel better about things that don’t go to plan in their lives. If you don’t get a job you applied for, you can convince yourself that the company was going to promote internally anyway. If a relationship doesn’t get anywhere, you can try and tell yourself that it was all the other person’s fault. But perhaps there is a lack of maturity in someone who is always making excuses to themselves - and if they tend to lack confidence, optimism, decisiveness and basic good manners too, then the combination is not very desirable. So, if you get what looks like a flimsy excuse, don’t take it too personally. And when one door closes, another one opens - possibly in the form of a contact request that’s already sitting in your inbox. It’s also important not to brand everyone as a liar if they say something that you aren’t happy to hear. It can sometimes be helpful to give people the benefit of the doubt.
It could happen to you
Of course, many people really do find love on PARSHIP - often after they’ve been in touch with a number of potential partners at the same time - and that means that they have to make decisions and probably bid a fond (and honest) farewell to people they have been in touch with for a while. Even if you feel that an opportunity might have passed you by, it’s worth thinking positive. Next time, it could be you making the goodbyes and saying “I’ve found someone who’s right for me.” It has even happened that PARSHIP members have gone back successfully to ‘an old flame’ when things didn’t finally work out with someone else.
Make your own luck
It could be that your timing in a particular situation was bad - but you need to remember that things move fast on the Internet.
You can raise your chances of success by logging into PARSHIP frequently (why not make some time every day?), by sending contact requests whenever a recommended partner looks promising, and by responding quickly to messages you receive. You shouldn’t feel under pressure to rush things, but - when you’re online - there is some truth in the old adage that he (or she) who hesitates is lost …